"Daddy, is someone going to kill us?" These are words that no child should ever be forced to utter, nor should any parent have to hear, yet, this very question was asked of me by my six-year-old son. It was less than 24 hours after the terrorist attacks of September 11. I have answered many difficult questions in my experiences with children; from terminally ill cancer patients, to inner city youth, to abused children; but for this one, from my own son, I was unprepared. I have always been very open with my children. We have discussed sex, school violence, racism, peer pressure, drugs, gangs, practically every subject that ever needed to be discussed. I never thought I would need to discuss the savage killings of thousands of innocent people or that I would have to answer such a question. I toiled with how I would address this senseless act of violence, without putting his innocent, optimistic view of the world at risk. Although painfully difficult, I did my best to explain what happened. After trying to assure him that our family, our police, our armed forces and our country, would do everything in our power to protect him and every other American, I realized I needed to take my own understanding of how best to cope with this tragedy to a higher level. This special report is the result of intensive research and study since the September 11 terrorist attacks. It is intended to help parents to not only discuss the events with their children, but also to personally deal with their own feelings of pain and confusion.

The tragic events of September 11, 2001 are still very vivid in everyone’s minds, yet they seem almost a distant memory, as we have been faced with some new threat, some new worry or some new complication of the terrorist attack on almost a daily basis. Now, more than ever, it is important for parents to actively communicate with their children. We need to keep open lines of communication, as our children are being exposed to events, feelings and ideas that never should have been exposed. Since September 11, 2001, every American parent, no matter what race, color or creed, has been forced with the difficult task of Mending the American Dream in the hearts of their children.

One of the most important things is to get yourself in order, before you try to counsel your children. You will not be effective in helping your children if you are not personally dealing with the crisis in a healthy manner. Start with being sure to avoid bottling your feelings. These attacks were emotional events. They touch us all differently and on many levels. Bottling your feelings will only lead to a massive breakdown or blow up. Either way, you will be much better off finding a healthy outlet for your emotions. Do what works for you. Go running, or write, or scream, or paint, or talk or just have a good cry. Whatever you have to do to allow your feelings to be expressed is better than the alternative. You should also share this advice with your children. They need to understand that an outpouring of emotions is not a bad thing, that it is actually an important part of the healing process. Your children will be looking to you for guidance and support. Be sure to lead by example. Here are some different ways to approach the beginning stages of the healing process. One of the most important things to do for your children is to allow their feelings to be out in the open. Encourage sharing of feelings and release of emotions. It is extremely important to protect yourself and your children from the dangers of bottling feelings. Bottling feelings can lead to stress that is too overwhelming for a person to manage alone. You need to be aware of warning signs and know what to do if they appear.

A great starting point is to deal directly with the situation. On September 11, 2001, the United States of America was attacked by a group of terrorist and thousands of people were hurt or killed. There have also been chemical attacks made through the U.S. Mail, people have been made sick, and some have died. These are acts of war and our country is responding accordingly. Explain these things to your child, in an age appropriate manner. Use your better judgement about how detailed you should be. There are some helpful suggestions for specific ages later in this report.

Do not be afraid to face the feelings that will arise from these tragedies. It is natural to go through a wide range of feelings after such an event. It is normal to feel afraid, anxious, guilty, angry, shocked or depressed. No matter what feelings you or your children are experiencing right now, they should be considered normal and should be discussed. Besides talking about how these events have affected you emotionally, you should also be talking about other ways the events have influenced your life. You should also find out how your children’s lives are being impacted. Do not assume that you will automatically know how your child will react to this new situation. Allow them to tell you. Talk to your children and decide what things you might be doing differently, from the places you go, to the most basic routines, like checking the mail. By communicating these ideas with your children, you will allow for continued expression of fears and concerns, while also creating a strategic plan of how to continue the healing process for you and your children.

The next challenge you will face is the exposure your child will have to the many different aspects of these terrorist attacks. We live in a country with instant access to news from anywhere in the world, 24 hours a day. It is the easy access to this information that will require a certain level of care by parents. Your child may be exposed to graphic news reports with disturbing images, to crimes of hate in your own neighborhood, to heightened local security. The list is too long to try to cover it all. It will be your job as the parent to be sure your child is being exposed to the appropriate amount of information, based on their age. You should, of course, also limit your own exposure to the graphic images of these tragedies. You want to be sure you are exercising a healthy level of exposure for yourself. In addition, you will want to educate yourself on topics of concern, so you do not become a victim of a panic or scare. With the newest threat of Anthrax, it is suggested that you find materials explaining the disease. Share this information with your children so they will know what is true and what is false. Be prepared to access whatever information you must to keep up with the latest developments.

The amount of exposure children have should be limited to their ages, although there are some instances when exposure cannot be helped. I went through one of these personally just days after the attacks. I was in a grocery store with my six-year-old as we neared the checkout. There, in the magazine rack at almost my son’s exact eye-level, was a Newsweek with a picture of one of the World Trade Center Towers exploding. In front of us were two early teens, which were commenting on the same picture. "Look at that explosion, cool!" I do not think they considered their statement as inappropriate, but I knew my son had heard them and I needed to be sure he understood that the image was anything but "cool". I pulled a magazine from the rack and got down on one knee. I showed my son the picture up-close and pointed out that the small pieces of falling debris were actually people that had been thrown from the building from the blast. I went on to explain that those people were at work just minutes before, trying to support their families and that they had been killed. He understood that this picture was horrible, not cool. In most instances, I would try to keep my son sheltered from such graphic images, but I felt the situation called for an appropriate level of action on my part. For children six and younger, it is suggested that they get little, if any, exposure to the attacks. You will have to use your better judgement as a parent. The most important thing to remember is that your children look to you for support and guidance. When you must discuss any aspect of the attacks with children of this age, be as calm as possible. Your ability to remain calm will give you children a sense of safety.

Children seven-years-old to pre-teen are much more aware of current events and they are interested to know what is going on in the world. Parents should remain cautious about exposure to media and should encourage open dialog about the events. You will also want to be sure you are sharing important information with your children. It seems that we are being faced with some new threat on a daily basis. It is vital that, if there is something your kids need to know about, that they hear it from you. This sharing of information will continue your open lines of communication, as well as offer an opportunity to address any new or unresolved concerns. Remember that during all this talking and communicating, we still need a healthy level of physical contact. Do not neglect to give that hug or peck on the cheek and remember that you cannot tell your children "I Love You" too much! (Although they might disagree)

Dealing with teenagers during a time of crisis can be very difficult. At this age, they have formed many opinions about what is going on and, in some cases, it may not be the same as your own. It is important to allow teens the opportunity to discuss the current events with their friends, but this must be balanced with open dialog with parents, teachers or some other trusted adult. It is important to monitor what information and influences your teen is being subjected to. Times of crisis are often an excellent forum for groups with a particular agenda. Many teens become pawns to groups of hate because they become swept up in the moment. You should also be wary of teens that become isolated or withdrawn. This could be an indication that the feelings created by the crisis are being internalized. This may potentially lead to problems that are more serious.

As time continues to pass, you will want to watch for indications of stress related problems. Sometimes these problems surface right away, others may take much longer, while others may never experience them at all. As many business people have learned, stress can be a very powerful problem. It can become strong enough to completely disrupt every aspect of a person’s life. This is equally true for children, in fact, maybe even more so, as they do not have the luxury of many years of different experiences to help cushion the trauma. There are both physical and emotional indications of stress related illness. Watch your children closely for signs of either and seek out the appropriate medical or psychological help if it becomes needed. If you are ever in doubt, seek out professional help. If the problems are stress related, it will be important to receive the proper care from the beginning.

There are a number of physical indications, including nausea, vomiting, dizziness, fatigue, headaches, muscle spasms, chest pains, labored breathing, chills, elevated blood pressure, rapid pulse rate, etc. Some of the emotional indications are feeling afraid, anxious, guilty, overwhelmed, shocked, irritable, depressed, etc. In addition to physical and emotional indications, there are also sometimes stress-related changes in overall behavior and personality. Some of the behavioral indications are changes in appetite, isolation, antisocial behavior, insomnia, use of alcohol or drugs, etc. Other indications of stress related problems are nightmares, paranoia, confusion, memory loss, poor attention span, etc. Remember, if your child is exhibiting any of these symptoms, seek out professional help to determine the nature of the problem.

Another very important aspect of helping you and your children with the healing process is to get back to "normal" as soon as possible. This is not to say to forget what has happened or to go about life as if nothing ever happened. It is to say that we continue to live and life must go on. As with any problem facing our children, parents must be willing to talk with them. Communication is key in any situation and is essential in this situation. Reassure your children that we will get through this very difficult time because we are a nation that comes together during adversity. It is extremely important that we provide a solid example for our children on a personal level, a community level, a state level and a national level. Although our world has been changed forever, our children still need parents to offer them guidance and support. Perhaps now more than ever!

Gerald Kostecka, aka Nyle Steck, is a children’s book author, a child safety advocate and a nationally recognized authority on parenting and children’s issues. He is a sought after public speaker and has appeared on numerous radio and television talk shows. He has appeared as a parenting expert on the Sally Jessy Raphael Show, Protecting America’s Kids: Who’s To Blame, which discussed the rash of school shootings earlier in the year. Questions from the "Do You Know Your Child?" quiz, contained in his School Shootings: A Tragic Trend special report, were featured on the show and Mr. Kostecka voiced the need for parental responsibility for these unfortunate, yet avoidable, acts of violence. In the wake of the events of September 11, 2001, Mr. Kostecka was faced with the task of discussing the terrorist attacks with his own children. Compelled to help other parents make the healing process for themselves and their children a little easier, he has spent countless hours since the attacks researching ways parents can give their children the help they need. "I found inspiration in the thought that many parents had no idea what to tell their children, I know initially I wasn’t sure what to tell mine", Mr. Kostecka explained in a recent interview. "Most adults were having a pretty hard time coping with the whole thing, I just figured that parents could use a helping hand and I was more than happy to help!" This Special Report is a condensed version of an E-Book being worked on by Mr. Kostecka. It should be available soon.