Gerald Kostecka, aka Nyle Steck, is a nationally recognized authority on parenting and children’s issues. He is a sought after public speaker and has appeared on numerous radio and television talk shows. He has appeared as a guest panelist on the Sally Jessy Raphael Show, Protecting America’s Kids: Who’s To Blame, which discussed the rash of school shootings. Questions from the "Do You Know Your Child?" quiz, contained in this report, were featured on the show and Mr. Kostecka voiced his opinions of parental responsibility to these unfortunate acts of violence. This three part special report takes a no-nonsense look at a growing problem for our young people: inadequate parenting. Mr. Kostecka is straight forward and to the point about his opinions, which are based on countless hours of research into this problem, as well as his personal experience as a father of three children. Agree or disagree, the main goal of this report is to get each reader to think. The hardest place to point a finger is at the mirror!

Heath High School, West Paducah, KY. Westside Middle School, Jonesboro, AK. Heritage High School, Conyers, GA. Thurston High School, Springfield, OR. Columbine High School, Littleton, CO. Santana High School, Santee, CA. In a perfect world, where bad things don’t happen to our children, none of us would recognize these schools unless we were looking forward to graduation or were alumni. Unfortunately, these six are among a growing list of schools that are easily recognized because they bear the scars of unthinkable acts of violence. All the more incomprehensible because these acts were committed by children. Kids going on murderous rampages armed with guns and the determination to make a point. Young lives cut short, with the same burning question being asked in the aftermath of each...WHY?

I think that everyone would like to know why. We would like a rational answer, so we can make sense of an irrational situation. We want a quick fix. We want to hear that the shooter was tormented, almost tortured by the cruel jocks. That he or she was pushed to the breaking point. This would almost make sense of the insanity. An unfortunate trend that has developed as a result of these school shootings is the barrage of finger pointing afterwards. Those with a specific political agenda use these incidents as a forum to preach their particular message. From gun control, to violence in movies and video games, to bullies on campus, to over coverage by the media; each becomes a focus, which detracts from the real root of the problem: Poor or Inadequate Parenting.

It is ironic, when a child excels and does remarkable things; the first people to be given credit are the parents. Why would the adverse not be equally true? The positive actions of a child seem to be the only ones parents want to be connected with having any influence over. Unfortunately, this type of thinking cannot be accepted. A parent is responsible, good times or bad.

Saying that these incidents are the ultimate responsibility of the parent is not to say that these parents did not love their children. Or that the children were abused. Or that some kids will just end up doing bad things, as there are exceptions to every rule. For the most part it is simply saying that as children grow they become the people that we, as parents, allow them to become. As they are growing up, we influence and decide how they will be raised. What is acceptable and what is not. It is the responsibility of the parent, the obligation of the parent, to ensure that thier child is being given the chance to grow up with the appropriate influences. It is when these basic fundamentals of child rearing are ignored that the child grows to become disassociated and lacking in the areas of moral reasoning and judgement. A parent that puts their child into day care from birth cannot realistically believe that the monies they are paying are being spent to instill the valuable life lessons that parents normally teach their children. These monies are being spent to have someone keep an eye on the child. To believe anything more is ridiculous. So, when and by whom are these life lessons being taught? The answer to this question is painfully obvious: they are simply not being taught.

Lack of parenting or inadequate parenting is definitely a parenting problem. If your child is in your home and is making bombs, you have a serious problem of parenting! If your child is so frustrated, so sickened by his or her own life that they are ready to lash out violently and you have no clue whatsoever, you have a serious problem of parenting.

I am a firm believer that it is the responsibility of the parent to instill morality and compassion in their children. It is clear that many parents are neglecting to teach these basic concepts based solely on their merits, but what can be done? If these lessons are not being taught willingly, perhaps we should consider a more tangible way to ensure they are. Since society seems to have such a focus on monetary gain, I believe in making parents directly financially responsible for the actions of their children. Perhaps parents would re-evaluate their priorities if everything they had ever worked for were on the line. Perhaps parents would reconsider allowing their children to be raised by babysitters and day care centers. Perhaps parents would once again make it their personal responsibility to ensure that their children are given a fair chance at growing up, before being abandoned in the name of career advancement and monetary gain. The quest for a Mercedes and a big house should not come at the expense of losing your children.

For those people whose priority is career, I would strongly recommend that you seriously consider the idea of parenthood, before the fact. Raising children is a full-time job, it is a life-long job and if someone is not ready and willing to give the type of commitment necessary to raise a child, then that person should not be a parent.

Parents have the choice to be there for their children. Being that does not automatically mean 24 hours a day. Being there really means being a part of your child’s life, turning the time you do have together into quality time. Interact with your child and communicate. Be interested in your child and earn their trust. Decide how you want your child to be raised. Set limits and enforce them. Remember, no matter how quickly kids seem to grow up, they are still kids. As a parent, you must make the choices that are going to be the best for your child. Get your priorities straight. If you choose to be a parent, then be willing to accept the sacrifices that go along with being a good parent. Balance your home life with your career and always remember you can get a different job, a different car or a different home; your child is a one of a kind!

How well do you know your child? Try to answer the following questions. The more questions you can answer the more in touch you are with your children.

1. Name two of your child’s friends from school.
2. What are their parent’s names?
3. Name one child at school that your child does not get along with.
4. What is the name of the boy or girl that your child "likes"?
5. What is the name of your child’s teacher?
6. What is the name of the principal?
7. How many times a week does your family sit down together for a meal?
8. How often do you do plan an outing for the entire family?
9. Who does your child consider a role model or hero?
10. What does your child want to be when they grow up?

So, how did you do? Were you able to answer most of the questions? If not, perhaps you should make it a point to find out those answers. If you were able to answer most of these questions, GREAT! You are making sure that you communicate with your child and that you have an idea of what is going on in his or her life.

As you went through these 10 questions, you probably wondered how these 10 could tell how well you know your kids. Each question was created to address a specific aspect of your children’s lives and the influences and interactions they experience. Below is a detailed explanation of the idea behind each question.

2. What are their parent’s names? If you know the names of your child’s friends, you should also know their parent’s names. If you have not, you should also meet them in person. Knowing the parents that might be around your children is extremely important. Don’t be afraid to meet with and discuss parenting beliefs with these other parents. You might not want your child playing violent video games, while another parent might not mind. Unless you find out, your efforts to keep your child away from these games could be for not, if they are able to access them at a friend’s house.
3. Name one child at school your child does not get along with or has had a problem. Sometimes our children do not want us to know when they have problems. If you think that, just because you kids don’t tell you about problems, they don’t have any, you are very mistaken. If you know of a child that your child has had a problem with, it shows that you not only keep an active interest in your child’s life, but that your child also trusts you with a potentially difficult problem.
4. What is the name of the boy or girl that your child "likes"? This might seem like an odd question and, depending on the age of your child, might not apply. However, do not be too quick to say that you child does not have these types of feelings yet. You would be surprised how many kids develop a crush at a much younger age than you would expect. Knowing if your child is starting to experience these feelings, feelings which can be very confusing, gives you the ability to consider all aspects of a situation, if or when a problem does arise.
5. What is the name of your child’s teacher? This question is just to find out if you are active with your child’s school life. Parents should know his or her child’s teacher by name and they should have spoken with them, in detail, at least once. You do not have to wait for a parent-teacher conference to meet a teacher. Take the initiative and meet the teacher at the beginning of the year. Find out the teacher’s plan for the year, their style of teaching, how problems will be addressed and how you can help to make the class a better place for your child and the other children.
6. What is the name of the principal? Similar to the teacher question, this is to see if yow know the administrators at your child’s school. You should be sure you understand the policies of the school and make yourself available to help whenever possible. Schools need more parents to take an interest in their children, so even if you can only do a little, it is seen as a lot in the eyes of the school and the students.
7. How many times a week does your family sit down together for a meal? This question is to establish how the family operates at home. If you answered this question with less than 1 or 2 times a week, don’t be surprised if there is some lack of communication between you and your child. A family meal can offer a great opportunity to talk about the day. Discuss important topics or air a problem or accomplishment. In our house, even if we are having a meal of fast food, we eat at the table and together.
8. How often do you plan an outing for the entire family? Once again, a question to find out how your family is doing at being a family. Are you able to make time to do something as a family at least once a week? Two weeks? A Month? The something does not have to be a mini-vacation or anything elaborate. It can be as basic as a picnic at the local park or a day at the zoo. Your answer should tell you if there is a family member that is becoming disconnected from the group. This could be any member of the family. It is not just the kids that you should be watching. Does dad choose to watch sports on the weekend instead of doing something with the family? Does mom bury herself with gardening or some other project? Be willing to be critical of yourself and see if you are doing everything that you should to keep your family strong and working together.
9. Who does your child consider a role model or hero? Knowing this shows you have an understanding of the types of things your child likes. It could be athletes, rock stars, movie stars, etc. Find out who your child’s role models are and, more importantly, why. This will offer interesting insight into how your child thinks and how they view the world.
10. What does your child want to be when they grow up? If you stay current with this one, by the time they are 5 or 6-years-old, the answer should change about 1000 times. The importance of being able to answer this question is keeping up to date with the changes your child is experiencing. I ask my children what they want to be when they grow up all the time. I am sometimes amazed by the answers. It is remarkable how daily influences like news reports or popularity of music or even our own accomplishments can make such an impression on what kids "want to be". Ask this question often and see how the world is influencing your child.

It is fair to say that none of these kids woke up the day of the shooting and casually thought "What to do today? I think I’ll grab dad’s gun, go to school and kill a few people." Every one of these incidents was led up to and not by a few days, weeks or even months. It took a lifetime, although in most cases a short one, for these tragedies to occur.

None of us want to think that our children would be capable of taking a gun in hand and going to school with the intention of hurting or killing their classmates, but it is evident that some of us do. The question now becomes what did I, as a parent, do to contribute to this behavior? Maybe a better question would be, what didn’t I do that contributed to this behavior? Let’s face it, this is about kids being brought up to have respect for life, for having self-worth and for caring about other people. This is about things that parents need to instill in thier children. If these essential foundations have not been laid, then the only people you can blame are the parents. It is obvious that the answers start at home, teaching right from wrong, teaching values and teaching your children that they are important people to you and the world. Your child could be the eventual cure for cancer or AIDS, maybe the first person to walk on Mars, just consider the possibilities.

In the renect rash of school shootings, there have been blurred lines between the "Cause" and the "Effect" of these incidents. Identifying the difference between cause and effect is actually very easy. The cause is actually what made the event happen, while the effect is everything that happened as a result of the event. Many people have come out with a variety of "solutions" after one of these shootings. Unfortunately, their "solutions" merely address the effect and not the cause. Until we are able to agree on the cause, we will have little chance of ever arriving at a viable solution.

To illustrate the difference between cause and effect, I offer this basic example. Most people are familiar with the game of bowling. A person takes a heavy ball and rolls it down a lane, where they try to knock down 10 pins that have been set up at the other end. For this example, I will pose a challenge using the game of bowling. Here is the situation: You are a spectator at a game of bowling. The bowler throws the first ball and knocks down all 10 pins. The pins are reset and the bowler is ready to throw the next ball. Here is the challenge: You have to make sure that none of the pins get knocked down, what do you do?

I posed this exact situation to several different groups and I received a variety of different answers. Some people suggested using super glue to adhere the pins to the lane, while others suggested nailing or screwing the pins to the lane. There were even suggestions of building a barricade in front of the pins so the bowling ball would be deflected before reaching the pins. What would you do?

These ideas to stop the pins from being knocked down were all based on the effect, instead of the cause. The most simplistic and most direct solution would have been to tell the bowler to stop throwing the ball. This addresses the cause, not the effect. Once the cause is identified and addressed, it is much easier to arrive at a solution.

I believe that the root problem to these incidents is inadequate parenting. As children grow, they become the people that we, as parents, allow them to become. As they are growing up, we influence and decide how they will be raised. What is acceptable and what is not. It is the responsibility of the parent, the obligation of the parent, to ensure that thier child is being given the chance to grow up with the appropriate influences. It is when these basic fundamentals of child rearing are ignored that the child grows to become disassociated and lacking in the areas of moral reasoning and judgement. Lack of parenting or inadequate parenting is definitely a parenting problem. If your child is in your home and is making bombs, you have a serious problem of parenting! If your child is so frustrated, so sickened by his or her own life that they are ready to lash out violently and you have no clue whatsoever, you have a serious problem of parenting.

Because of the seriousness of a school shooting and the impact it has on society, the effects are far reaching. There are a series of standard "Usual Suspects" that will automatically get a great deal of attention, with their proponents spouting that dealing with their particular issue will stop the problem. The usual suspects are gun control, bullies and lack of school security. These have been a constant topic of discussion after every school shooting incident. The problem is that these are effects and offering solutions through these sources will not address the cause.

This is one of the major effects that get a lot of attention after one of these incidents. A school shooting offers a platform for those for and against gun control to state their case. As with any effect problem, this completely blurs the actual cause. Attention is drawn to the instrument of the incident, instead of the reason. As if to say that had children been killed with bows and arrows or a machete, that the tragedy would be any less. For those who would exploit these incidents to promote their own political views, I offer this advice. Let the gun control issue be one of personal responsibility and personal choice. I was a gun owner and an avid shooter. I kept my guns secured and locked and away form my children. Once my children were old enough to "get into things", I decided to get rid of my guns. It was a choice that I decided to make and I think that this issue is a choice that each individual has to make.

It is obvious that there is and always has been a problem with bullies. This problem is nothing new. Over twenty years ago, I was bullied at school. So much so, that I remember the names of those bullies to this very day. Yet, no matter how severe the bullying was, I never considered killing them as an option to dealing with this problem. I did not like the bullying, but I would not have killed someone over it. Unfortunately, bullies are almost a necessary evil. It is usually the first time we are faced with a challenge that we have no control over, that we must overcome. Many times, these same bullies inspire us in later life. Valuable life experiences whose needs are blurred and unrecognizable while we are children. I think one of the major differences is the way in which kids discover options to deal with these bullies. If a parent does not help their child with advice, then the child will seek out options for themselves. Empowering your child with a way to deal with a bully gives them that strength for the rest of thier lives. Even the bullies themselves are a problem of inadequate parenting. A child is not born a bully. It takes years of learning to intimidate, ridicule, insult and belittle. Where do you think most bullies learn these lessons? Children learn what they live!

The only thing fortifying schools will accomplish is to create an even greater atmosphere of mistrust and imprisonment of students that have done nothing wrong. Instilling additional fear will not solve this problem, nor does it address the rudimentary problem. Not to mention, no matter what lengths you go to, if someone is determined to do something, they will find a way. Plans of a fortified school would have had little effect in Jonesboro, AR. The boys responsible for this incident never actually brought a gun onto campus. The CAUSE of these incidents is not lack of school security. Focus should be directed to the cause of the problem, not the effect. Another key point is that these kids are not bringing guns to school and keeping them there, contemplating which day they will strike. They arrive at school, with thier guns blazing. How will fortified schools stop this?

I believe that people are more willing to address the effects than the cause because the effects can usually be handled with a quick fix. I also believe that they are more comfortable with the ability to blame a group instead of an individual. Blaming an individual takes proving that one person was responsible, which can be very difficult to do. Whereas, placing blame on a group or groups of people allows for a better chance of someone being stuck with the blame. It is a sign of the times that anyone needs to be blamed. The fact that we, as a society, have not been able to implement an effective plan after the first of these schools shootings makes me believe that we are all to blame. Unfortunately, there are far too many people with the "It didn’t or couldn’t happen to me" syndrome and they simply do not care. Our society has turned into a bunch of people unwilling to assume personal responsibility for anything. Therefore, when you get ready to point that finger, be sure you are doing it in front of a mirror!

Let’s put aside the political agendas. Let’s stop pointing fingers in every direction except where it needs to be pointed. Let’s all start to take personal responsibility for the condition of our society. Let’s agree that the cause of the problem is one that starts at home, when children are very young. Let’s come up with viable solutions to these problems. Let’s come up with solutions to create better parents, which will raise better children. Let’s come up with ways to help the young people deal with their problems and let’s plan on making the future a safer place. We need to start now, so we can implement plans with the kids that are now only 5 or 6 years old. If we do not deal with this aspect of the problem, can you imagine the way things will be in 10 or 15 years?

It is my opinion that the root problem, which leads to most of these school shootings, is inadequate parenting. This is usually not a problem that happens suddenly, although there are certain circumstances that may contribute to the start of the problem, like a recent divorce or death in the immediate family. Most of the time the problem starts when the child is very young. It is a trend of raising the child that results in the child having little or no trust or communication with the parents. It is a problem of parents losing touch with their children. In most cases, it is not intentional. The parents just wake up one day and realize that they have no idea who their child has become.

Our society searches for fast answers. We want a quick fix. Unfortunately, these problems did not happen overnight and they will take time and effort to solve. These incidents are a direct result of a change in parenting over the last twenty or thirty years. Thinking that there is any quick way to fix these problems is unrealistic. We must forget the idea of a quick fix and set our attention to spending the time and energy necessary to make these incidents a thing of the past. This is going to take a concerted effort to make happen. Unless solid solutions are provided, these problems will just continue to worsen.

In order to keep these terrible incidents from happening in the first place; parents must make a life-long commitment to being a parent. They must also be sure to maintain the relationship with their child. Making this commitment means being willing to make necessary sacrifices to ensure your child is able to be taught the important, life shaping lessons that a parent needs to teach. This commitment includes establishing a rapport with your child at an early age. Build a bond of trust and friendship. Let your child know that you are always there to discuss any problem or situation. Do not make any subject taboo or off limits. If you are not willing to discuss sensitive subjects, someone else will be. Be a parent when you must, but be a friend always. Be sure to start this process while your child is still young. There is no age that is too early to start. Remember that you will be establishing the relationship that you will have with your child for the rest of your life. Give this the serious attention and time that it deserves.

Many parents have no idea what to do to create a solid relationship with their children. Being a god provider does not automatically make you a good parent, so don’t fall victim to thinking that nice things will create a nice, well-adjusted child. There are many different solutions available, but like anything that is worth while, you may have to do some work to find them and learn how to use them. Most of the solutions are actually tools to help you become a more effective parent. Again, there is no quick fix, so don’t go looking for one. This is going to take effort and it is going to be worth every bit!

There are many tools available, but you have to seek them out. You can start by actually attending parenting classes at your local community college. Most offer a variety of different classes, from new parents, to those with teens. Parenting classes are like any other quest for knowledge, the more you learn, the more you know, and the more you understand. You can also find resources at your local library. There are countless books written about the struggles that parents go through to raise their children. Seek out and use the ideas and stories of others to inspire you in your situation. You can also talk to other parents that you respect. Never be afraid to ask the advice of someone you consider to be a good parent. You can also seek out parenting support groups. In addition to direct resources for parenting, you can also find tools to assist in communicating and dealing with your child.

Dragon Tales Publishing offers a variety of tools to make the task of raising a child a bit easier. The idea behind the Dream Dragon is to provide a character that can grow with the child. Through different stories, children will learn important lessons. The interaction between the parent and child while reading these stories strengthens their relationship.

The Dream Dragon offers 3 different series of books, each of the series promotes one of the "3-E’s": Education, Entertainment & Empowerment. Each series is written for specific age groups and the Dream Dragon stories advance as the child grows. Children experience vivid pictures and the easy to read rhyming verse, as the fun loving Dream Dragon takes them to the safe world of Dreamland. Some of the stories have an available audiocassette, featuring actor Geoffrey Holder, the original "7-UP Uncola Man", as the Dream Dragon voice!

These fun learning stories are perfect for Pre-School age children! Youngsters learn some basic fundamentals before they start school. Give them the chance to stand out from the other students! I Know My Numbers 1-10! - Children will learn number counting by meeting new friends and enjoying fun activities! I Know the Color Game! - This colorful story teaches children different colors through a fun game. They can play no matter where they are and it teaches them how colors have different shades and brightness. These Look What I Know! stories are a great way to teach children, while instilling in them a love and appreciation for reading! You will also be strengthening your relationship with your child through the interaction of reading.

The Tuck ‘em in Bedtime Stories are great for children ages 3-7, for those children being read to by their parents or the beginning independent reader. An Adventure In Dreamland - An E-Picture Book, featuring an adventurous journey with the Dream Dragon to the City of Wonder & Joy. This story features 4-year-old cancer survivor Dakota Ortiz as the main character! Protector of Dreamland - This story teaches children how to deal with nightmares. It delves into basic dream control and how they can overcome fear. Dream Time Friend - Kids enjoy the book that started it all! An exciting adventure, introducing children to the lovable Dream Dragon character.

These stories are intended to help provide a way for parent and child to end the day together. The stories are easy to read and take only a few minutes to complete. If parents take just a few minutes to read a story and tuck their child into bed, the last thing the child will remember about the day will be a good experience. Again, the interaction between parent and child helps create a bond of trust. Times like these help establish the foundation of the relationship between parent and child for years to come. These stories and your caring are a great way to say "Good Night"!

The Life Lessons stories cover very important topics! These stories focus on empowering children with information and techniques to face the challenges of today. Here are a few of the Life Lessons titles: Different is Good, Drugs From Thugs, Fire: I’m In Control!, Guns Aren’t Always Toys, The Buddy System ,The Danger of the Stranger and When Touching Is Not A Game. These stories offer great information and "What to do" tips, that may help your child when they need it most! The Dream Dragon will help teach your children the very important safety lessons they need to know.

These stories of empowerment are the last in the series. It is our hope that by the time children are old enough to be introduced to the Life Lessons stories that they have become familiar and comfortable with the Dream Dragon character. If they are comfortable with the character, it makes them more receptive and willing to trust the information being presented. When reinforced with the Dream Dragon Safety Programs and "Kid Safety", your kids can be prepared!

There are several Dream Dragon Safety Programs. The Dream Dragon Safety Squad is a special club made up of children that have made it their personal responsibility to practice and promote safety. The National Law Enforcement and Security Institute, NLSI, a partner of Dragon Tales Publishing sponsor this club. As a member of the Dream Dragon Safety Squad, children learn all about Kid Safety! What is "Kid Safety"? Kid Safety is a special kind of safety. It’s more than just being careful, it’s about watching out for yourself and watching out for your friends. It’s about learning how to be safe and about teaching other children what you have learned. Kid Safety is about becoming a leader and showing that you care! Every kid knows that mom and dad can’t be with you all of the time. That’s why it is important to learn and practice Kid Safety! Kid Safety subjects are explained in detail in the Dream Dragon Life Lessons stories, which teach you how to handle really dangerous situations. They teach you what to do if a stranger approaches you or what to do if you are caught in a fire. They explain how playing with your friends can help keep you safe and that staying away from drugs and gangs can keep you out of trouble and safe!

Participation in the Dream Dragon Safety Programs challenges children to practice and promote safety. Implementing the idea of "Kid Safety" teaches children to become leaders and to care about and watch out for other people. We provide tools for parents and children. These tools help to create a routine of effective parenting and help to strengthen the bond between parent and child. Our approach at helping children is not the only one, although we believe ours to be one of the best. We encourage parents to explore what the Dream Dragon has to offer. Even if you decide not to use the Dream Dragon, we would strongly recommend that every parent seek out options and find a program that is best suited for their family. The bottom line is doing what must be done for our children and putting an end to these senseless acts of violence.

The recent school shootings have forced us, as parents, to search for solutions. Parents need to understand that they are the solution; the first line of defense for their kids.. This solution is one that takes a lifetime to establish and the commitment to maintain it every day. If we allow our children to become disconnected from us or us from them, we should be prepared for whatever might happen. Kids with no adult supervision or guidance will seek it out elsewhere and if they are unable to find it, they will try to figure out how to deal with confusing situations on their own. Sometimes with tragic, deadly results. The Dream Dragon offers ways to address some of the important issues with your kids, but we are not the only resource out there. Although we would love for every parent to use the Dream Dragon’s lessons to help teach thier kids, we realize that this problem is serious enough to encourage every parent to seek out some kind of program, ours or someone else’s. Don’t our kids deserve our complete dedication to assure they are raised properly? I think they do.